My Father’s Instructions On Water Divining

1.  Simply snap off a firm but flexible Y-shaped twig from a nearby hazel or willow.
2.  Select a park, a wood, a copse, a forest, a mountain: Clissold Park, Highgate, that secret place from childhood, the Bois de Boulogne, Black Mountain.
3.  Go there.
4.  With your twig.
5.  Hold the twig as if it were the handles of a lawnmower or a Harley.
6.  Except with your hands sort of turned inside out and upside down.
7.  I don’t know why.
8.  Wait for the ideomotor effect to make the twig quiver with a slightly disappointing mild excitement.
9.  Quiver with a slightly disappointing mild excitement.
10. Tell your companion there’s definitely water/gold/oil/a rare Clash bootleg under your feet.
11. Realise you’ve forgotten your shovel.
12. Realise you’ve forgotten to bring a companion.
13. Go home and construct your own metaphor.